Today, one of my staff members gave me an orchid for my birthday. I admired the plant once long ago and she remembered. She gave me a card with a prayer for strength and guidance. I know she gave that prayer to me because of the stress of being a manager of a clinical unit, but it touched me. If only she knew how much that prayer meant to me in my personal life. She told everyone I deserved the beautiful plant not because I am a good boss, but because I am a good person. To me, that was the biggest compliment. I must be doing something right.
My birthday is Wednesday and it is like New Year's Day for me. My birthday serves as a marker for things I have done and things I have failed to do. It's a day when I make lists and take notes for what I want to accomplish in the coming year. I will be 36 years old. I know that I should be grateful. And I am. To be alive. To be married to a loving man. To have a close family. To have a job that puts food on the table. To have a roof over my head. But there is always that something that I have never been able to do. Something that a woman is supposed to be able to do, to give to her husband- a child. And at the age of 36, I have not done so. Sigh. I put these gnawing feelings aside and it is only when birthdays happen, or a new year happens, or a baby shower happens that I let it get to me. Today, there was a baby shower at work and I have to keep the tears at bay when I see the baby clothes and the baby decorations and the baby cake and the well baby wishes. Why can't that be me? What I have I done to deserve this? I ask God this almost every day. Have I been a bad person? Is this my punishment?
I take responsiblity for not eating right or not exercising when I should, but sometimes, I curse this diagnosis called PCOS. I hate it. I wish I was normal. I wish I could bear children. I wish I had morning sickness. I wish I could hold my own baby in my arms. And here I am, 2 days before my birthday being reminded once again that this is something I have never had and maybe never will. Do I keep hoping and praying? Should I just get off my butt and get serious about weight loss? Let's face it. I cannot get pregnant because I am overweight. If I got pregnant, it would still be difficult to carry a baby full term. PCOS is a complicated hormonal syndrome and this gal is a little tired of thinking about it all the time. It is a struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY.
What to do now? Think positive thoughts. Not so easy, is it? Exercise more. Eat better. Pray harder. I will start tonight. Again. One step at a time. Now off to the treadmill...
I am having a hard time keeping up with the blog. I have been updating Facebook so often that I forget that I have a blog. I really must try to update more. So what's new? Well, hubby and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary recently. I can't believe we've made it that long without killing each other. Ha! After all these years, I still kind of like him. And use him frequently for sex. :)
Scrapbooking-wise, I have not been very inspired, but I am making crop dates with friends in the hopes of getting myself out of the rut. Next weekend, we have planned a Cricut party. We hope to share and use each other's cartridges. Goodness knows I have so many that I might as well get some use out of them all. Speaking of so many cartridges, I am looking at the new Cricut Gypsy. I have a Mac so I cannot use the Design Studio, but I hate having to lug around the cartridges if I go to crops. This might be a cool little gadget for me. But so pricey! Any thoughts on this new toy?
Guess, what? I scrapped. :) So the photo is at least 3 years old. So the paper is old. So the embellies are old. :) At least it's on paper. Halleluyer!
I have cleaned my scrap area yesterday and attempted to scrapbook. No such luck, but I made this card. I used the new From My Kitchen cartridge from Cricut and I love it! I am trying to get back into scrapping again. Trying to get motivated and looking for inspiration. Do you think I can get motivated by watching Real Housewives of Atlanta? :)