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March 2009
Next month:
May 2009

thank you.

My uncle's funeral was yesterday. I was dreading the event and I couldn't wait for it to be over. My aunt was open, vulnerable, and strong. She spoke about the loving relationship she had with her husband. My husband and I sang with a few of our choir members. My sisters presented a slide show. My parents provided the Filipino food. My brother read a poem. I felt sad but so relieved. I did not feel like I was the pillar holding up my aunt. We were all holding each other up.

It was a long day, but oh so worth it. My family spent time with each other and learned more about each other. I found out more about my sister-in-law who is the best new mommy. I know that my sisters and I really do stick together. I was reunited with my "aunties" and "uncles" from years past. I am not technically related to them but they were all family this day. I was overwhelmed by the love and support from everyone who attended. This is where we find out who our friends really are.

I thank you all for your prayers and kindness. I'm nobody special. But these past few days have shown me that goodness is still present in this harsh world. I am feeling pretty special today.


who am i kidding?

Despite making an effort to be more grateful and thankful for all my blessings, I am still angry and annoyed and restless. And I don't really know why. I cannot put my finger on it. I don't like how I feel. The guilt consumes me. I should be so grateful for all that I have in my life. But I am not happy.

I hated that I was the first one in the ER the day my uncle passed away. I hated that the doctor explained it all to me before anyone else in my family. I hated that my aunt had no children of her own and was looking at me to save her. I hated that I heard her tell the story of his death to all my family members over and over again. I hate that this funeral is turning into a circus.

I am the boss at my work. My staff look to me for guidance but blame me if anything goes wrong. And now I wear a uniform, with the name badge that says Clinical Manager so people assume I am strong. I AM NOT.

How does the rest of the world go on when a woman just lost her husband? Don't they know that Tuesdays are laundry days and that he washes her clothes for her religiously on those days? Don't they know that the sushi place they frequented feels empty when it is revisited? Don't they know that the voice on the answering machine is of the love of her life and that he has passed away? Don't they know that it feels wrong to be driving the car because he was the one who drove her everywhere? Why does the sun keep shining when there is darkness everywhere?

Someone else needs to take over my life and take charge of it for a while. I don't want to think. I want to be led. I need guidance in a bad way. As I type this, I know the answer. I must trust that God is not giving me too much to handle. I need to trust in God again. I almost forgot how.

counting my blessings.

Yesterday happened so fast. I was at one of the many manager meetings on my calendar when my work cell phone vibrated incessantly for 5 minutes. Usually, my staff leaves a message and I call them back right away after the meeting. But this day was different. The hospital was calling, overhead paging me over and over again. There was a family emergency. I called the ER manager and she let me know that my uncle was brought into the ER and that the outcome "did not look good." As a nurse, I knew exactly what that meant. I rushed to the ER and find my aunt sobbing by my uncle's still body.

He was on his way to buy the morning paper while my aunt cooked breakfast. Things they do every day. Some of the neighbors found him and started CPR. Paramedics were called and he was intubated on site. They continued to attempt reviving him all the way to the ER. He had a massive heart attack and was probably dead before they found him. My aunt was notified that her husband was brought to the hospital and she followed.

I found her crying over hear husband's body. He was gone and he never said goodbye. She clung to me like a lost child who just found her mommy. What could I say? I am so sorry.

He was just going to get the paper. I was cooking breakfast. Last night, he held me and told me he truly loved me. We were looking forward to spending the whole day together. He took care of me. I am mad at him for leaving me without talking to me. He is gone. Forever.

My family came one by one and I watched my aunt unravel over and over again. I heard her say the same things to them. My head and my heart hurt. I am glad it is not me. What an awful thing to think.

The night before, my husband and I argued. Over something so stupid. Usually, I like to argue. I find it fun sometimes. I pick a fight sometimes. Knowing that beneath it all, our relationship is solid, that we could weather through anything, even stupid meaningless arguments.

It's no secret I like to be alone. Living with 4 brothers and sisters left me deaf and territorial. Nothing was ever my own. I must always share. And I must always fight over which television channel and radio station could drown out the other. I found myself like this with my husband. I needed me time. All the time. My husband understands this and encourages alone time. What a selfish brat. I never want to be THIS alone.

Last night, after they picked up my uncle's body, after the grueling appointment with the funeral home (please, just place me in a cardboard box and bury me in the backyard- I don't care), my aunt reminds me that I should take care of my husband, that I should treasure each and every moment with him. These moments might never happen again. Everyday things like getting a kiss goodbye before he goes to work, the feel of his hand on my hip when we fall asleep at night, the way he encourages my creativity, his reassurances that I am doing a great job at work, the way he embraces my family, the way he took on the role of full time dad with Junior, the fact that he filled my gas tank without being asked...I can list so many things that mean so little to other people but means oh so much to me.

Sometimes, I need a big swift kick in the ass to point me in the right direction. This was exactly that. Now to get my aunt through this...


squeezing another one in.

I am trying to squeeze in some creative time before I go in to work. I took a day off this week for doctor's appointments and am making up the day today. I don't feel like going in, but I am thankful I have a job to go to in this economy. Hope you all take some time to be creative today! :)
Bday card  
Supplies:
Bazzill cardstock
Brauhaus 93 font cut with SCAL/Cricut
Sizzix Daisy die cuts
vellum unknown
button unknown
Scenic Route patterned cardstock
Chatterbox patterned paper
DCWV pink cardstock
Stampin' Up! Scallop Edge punch


birthday card.

Finished this card today. I am rediscovering fonts I forgot I had in my library.
IMG_2730a
Supplies:

Bazzill kraft cardstock
Bazzill red cardstock
2Peas Miss Happy font cut with Sure Cuts a Lot on my Cricut
Stampin' Up! Happy Everything stamp set
Stampin' Up! Word Window punch
Stampin' Up! Scallop Edge punch
StazOn Timber Brown ink
clear embossing powder unknown
unknown ribbon scrap
Scenic Route patterned cardstock
Stampin' Up! Polka Dot stamp
Versamark ink


it's vulva, not vajayjay.

I'm an Oprah fan and I catch up on my DVRd episodes from time to time. I love all of her shows. Except this particular episode. Last week, she had a show about how to talk to your daughters about sex. I learned about "sexting." I didn't know that the photos my husband and I send to each other had a name. Ha! :) Anyway, what the heck? I can't even figure out how to text punctuation on my phone let alone send any photos of myself. Naked. And I am 35 years old, not 14. I had homework to do at that age. Teens know way too much about sex, more than me, I think. I learned that first base is kissing. Second base is feeling each other up. Third base is oral sex. WTF?! Fourth base is coitus. Girls give oral sex to boys in between periods. Can't they just smoke in the bathrooms before they get to their next class like the girls in my class did? Where are the smelling salts? I have the vapors.

The sex doctor on the show believes that we should teach our daughters how to pleasure themselves so that she does not have to depend on a boy to make her feel good about herself. When I say "pleasure" I don't mean the feeling you get when you eat a whole box of chocolate. I get what the doctor says in the sense that I would not want my (step)daughter to try to make herself popular or do anything stupid like make me a (step)grandma before I became a mom of my own. And then she mentioned vibrators. Oh, holy Lord. How do I even present this to my stepdaughter? In poster board form like I do for my staff when I present an in-service about medications and new supplies? I like to make my presentations interactive ya know.

I am so glad that my husband talks to Junior about that and that I am not really involved with these talks. Junior is a little uncomfortable and I am a LOT uncomfortable. Remember the hot dog talk? I rest my case. At times, I wish Abby lived with us, but after watching this show and the responsiblity of a mother to a daughter about sex, I say, Thank God. Then again, I could show her a few episodes of Rock of Love. She'll learn everything she ever needs to know.


aftermath.

This is what my desk looks like after I complete a project. I am amazed that I can work on a 6 inch square area. Random crap strewn everywhere. I just have to straighten it up and throw out the trash. It reminds me of my life right now. I'm in a little funk but I will get out of it soon if it kills me. No, I am not PMSy.
IMG_2723a

I finished these Easter treats for my church choir. Homemade candy wrappers. Another easy project that I found here and tweaked a little. Gotta love Youtube! :)
IMG_2728a


it will get better.

I am trying very hard to be positive about today but the world just isn't cooperating.

I had a breakfast date with my husband today before Junior had to be picked up from the airport. We are trying very hard not to eat out because it's much cheaper to stay home and make our food, but we had a coupon for $10 off. Who can pass up a coupon, right?

I ordered hash browns, I get seasoned potatoes. I ordered coffee cake, they forget to bring it out. They bring out coffee cake, it's not the flavor they first offered me. The whole bottle of Tabasco sauce pours out and drowns my eggs. The most exciting part- I find a brown HAIR on my food. Clearly not mine or my husband's.

I could forgive the restaurant's other sins, but the hair is unacceptable. At least it wasn't curly.


don't cry out loud.

It's no secret that I have been one big ball of stress lately. All because of work. It has consumed my life in every way. I cannot leave work at work because work follows me home. I am on call during the week and everything seems to be an emergency. I try to make everyone at work happy- the doctors, the nurses, the patients, and families. But I forget about myself. I keep it all to myself because I don't want to rehash my frustrations at home with my husband and my stepson. They shouldn't have to hear about it. The more I squash my feelings, the more it is apparent that I am unhappy. At home I am quiet and pensive. Not my usual sarcastic self.

My husband keeps reassuring me that he is here for me like I should be for him. I should be able to to let it all out. I am letting work consume me. Work is work is work. Things might never change at my workplace. But I have to change the way I think about it. Nothing has to be perfect. Deadlines can sometimes be missed. I don't have to volunteer for so many projects. I cannot take the staff's discontent so personally. I must learn to say no. I must do this for my own sanity.

So, we decided to try something new. Every night I get home, I must speak about my day- the good AND the bad. So far, it's working. I am feeling less stressed. My husband is my sounding board and I know that I always have his unending support.

I have not been in touch with my feelings lately. I stopped eating right. I have not been on a treadmill in weeks. I have neglected blogging. I have not scrapbooked. I have not picked up a photo in a long time. I have to reevaluate the choices I am making. Maybe this weekend, I will scrapbook it all away. Or maybe I could spend that time taking advantage of my very agreeable husband. Ha!