My friend decided to give her husband a surprise party tonight and one of her gifts was to get him a stripper. I suppose this is something everyone wants at some point in their life. I thought that my hubby and I would get to the party late enough to miss the shenanigans but alas we came in at just the right time. Dammit. If you are a female stripper, please keep the following in mind (of course, these foolproof rules will work in any situation especially in the health care setting):
- Please take care not to park your big ol' honking truck behind people who are trying to make a quick getaway. It's so awkward to have to ask you to move it while you are gyrating on someone's crotch.
- Please protect the carpet and cloth furniture more effectively. One thin sheet cannot possibly keep your paraphernalia of oils, massage lotion, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce from soaking into the material. You will piss off the host and you will never be invited to another dinner party again.
- Please cut off the tag from your thong underwear. I don't care to know that the size is "teensy weensy."
- Please warn the guests that you will get naked. Guests will be staring with their mouths hanging open. Goodness knows I am no prude, but even I have never seen anything like this before. The stripper at my bachelorette party, aka Mr. Police Officer aka weren't-you-my-pediatric-patient-2-years-ago was rated PG compared to this winner.
- Please make sure you take off your ace wrap and splint off of your foot. It takes away from the overall effect when you place your feet behind your head. It's very jarring to have to stare at your pubic mound (thank you for keeping your underwear on, by the way) and then be blinded by an injured extremity.
- If you must offer tequila shots to the guest of honor, don't try to trick the guests by pretending not to know that whipped cream is not included in the mix. I'm not that stupid. Whipped cream should only be used for pies, Starbucks, and husbands.
- After taking off your thong, don't make a pretense of making a dollar bill a replacement for your underwear. I don't care that it is a learned skill to pick up paper money with your crotch. I suppose I should be grateful that you have left out quarters with this trick. This is why I never carry cash. Ew.
Thank you.
