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April 2006
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happy birthday, abby.

BdayHad a girl day with Abby for her birthday today. We got manicures and pedicures, had lunch, went shopping, and got some Starbucks. She picked out a hideous color for her fingernails (a shiny, metallic blue) and all I could think about was that if I saw that color on a patient's nail bed, I would be performing CPR. Besides wanting to intubate my stepdaughter, we had a good day!


Abby_and_meBeen a busy bee the past couple of days.  The kids have arrived and it's quite a change in atmosphere and routine around here. Especially mine. Not used to having the little monkeys around all the time. I suppose I should feed them or something sometimes. And that takes planning. It's different if I birthed these kids and I grew into a new family, but plopping 2 grown kids into a 2-person household has turned the house upside down. Can't blog or scrapbook as much as I want, can't walk around naked (scary, huh?), can't curse with abandon, can't do it on the kitchen counter. But we laugh a lot and enjoy our family time together. The bonding has officially begun.

shrimp balls.

I know I am blessed with my husband. He is a Godsend. I don't know what I would do without him. He supports me, cares for me, reaches things for me, carries heavy things for me, loves me with all his being. He understands me.

This is how my mind works. It's ADHD gone awry. First, I think of how much I miss my husband since he is at work and I am at home like the good wife cleaning the kitchen (I have set back the women's rights movement 100 years with that statement) and that I want to attack him tonight. Then I think: shrimp balls.


Why, do you ask? First, I want to see where these are located on the shrimp. They're bigger than one might think. Those must be some uncomfortable shrimp. Second, I think :big, round, curly, orange. Carpets match the drapes. My husband. There you have it! Husband = shrimp balls. Yum.


It's easy to be consumed by the baby thing, but soon enough, the world calls. I have some living to do and I ain't letting a little thing called infertility define me.  On with life...

We are getting the house ready for my step kids.  They are here for 3 months and while they're here, my world is turned upside down. The role of step mom is bittersweet. I don't have any of my own yet I am pulled in this role I am not ready for.  Yes, I want to be a mom with all my heart and soul. And I suppose I could look at being step mom as "close enough." But they have their own mother who loves them and takes care of them everyday. Step mom is a role I struggle with. I am the charge nurse of a whole pediatric unit and have ultimate control over the floor, yet I cannot, for the life of me, find the balance between the disciplinarian and friend. It's difficult because I don't feel like I have that right. I did not give birth to them. They don't live with us. They don't call me mom. What is my role in their life? How can we strengthen our relationships with each other and how are those relationships defined? I suppose I am looking at this too seriously right now. Maybe it's the melancholy that has taken over me the past couple of days. Maybe they remind me again of what I cannot have. Maybe I just want to vent. In any case, I vow to take advantage of our time together.  It just won't be fun and games this time. I will make genuine and authentic memories with them. I will cherish the moments. This may be my only chance.

so on we go.

My friend gave birth to her baby the other day and I finally saw the baby this morning. As blessed as I feel with my life, and as happy I am for her and her baby, my heart aches. For what I do not have, for what I ultimately long for. We have decided to put off seeing the reproductive endocrinologist for a while.  Maybe at all. The whole process just broke me to pieces and I don't know if I can do the fertility thing again: vaginal ultrasounds, bloodwork, hormones. The process consumed my life and broke my heart every month. Especially when the pregnancy test is negative. These days, I am fine, concentrating on life and the blessings we have, scrapbooking away. But I often think: will this ever get easier?  Will I be alright if my prayers for a baby is not met with the answer I want? When will we consider other choices? When is enough enough?

So here I go with scrap therapy, my saving grace. Made this card with my new MaggieMae stamps for a belated mother's day dinner with my mother in law tonight. Through it all, scrapbooking raises me up. And I am forever thankful.