You are all amazing. Thanks for your kindness and words of encouragement. They really help. Got me out of my sad funk. I know that 2 months of trying is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it seems forever when everyday, I wait for pregnancy to happen. But really, I have to focus on the rest of my life that seems to be neglected. I haven't been scrapbooking like I want to. I do assignments because I have to. It's a rare occasion when I scrap for myself anymore. The house is a mess. My toilets are not cleaned weekly like usual. I want to learn how to cook. Those Filipino recipes have to be passed down somehow and I need to learn them. I haven't exercised like I should. I have lost touch with friends. I really should nurture our friendships more. Call more, write more, go see them more. My poor hubby is almost always conforting me. I sometimes forget that this is no picnic for him. If anything should come out of this, my relationships need to be nurtured and developed. Call that my All Year's resolution.
Kristina sent me a quote today that really spoke to my heart. Thank you, my friend. I needed that.
Never Be Discouraged
There is really nothing we need to know
or even try to understand.
If we refuse to be discouraged
and trust God's guiding hand.
So take heart and meet each minute
with faith in God's great love,
Aware that every day of life
is controlled by God above...
And never dread tomorrow
or what the future brings,
Just pray for strength and courage
and trust God in all things.
And never grow discouraged
be patient and just wait
for "God never comes too early
and He never comes too late!"
Helen Steiner Rice
Had blood work done again early this morning. It was negative. For the second time. I don't know if I can keep doing this. It seems that I think about getting pregnant everyday and it is consuming me in every way. We have decided to do Clomid for 3 months. After that, I think we will stop. If for nothing else, for the fact that it's killing me. Physically and emotionally. At times, I am fine but I am so emotional and weepy, I scare myself. I have endless blood tests and ultrasounds and the receptionist at the front desk knows me by name. I try not to post about my trips to the fertility specialist too much because my posts would sound like a very boring broken record. And I don't have to keep taking you down on this very depressing road every time, do I? So I try to keep this to myself and remain positive focusing on the blessings I have and throwing myself into scrapbooking, but there are times like today, when venting and crying here is exactly what I need to do. So here I go again...
I just want to be a mother. Maybe God is telling me that this is not his plan for me. Maybe I need to focus on other things and rethink other options. The reality of infertility is that if you don't have the money, for adoption or any other fertility routes, you are shit out of luck. Clomid is the first step of this road and in comparison to other options, the most economical. Jeff and I certainly don't have $30,000 hanging around for In Vitro Fertilization. I pray everyday for a baby of my own, but maybe I just have to realize that this is not the path for me...
1. Have friend, Grace, come over.
2. Have her bring her Basic Grey ornament kit or thingimabobber.
3. Trace, punch, and copy the ornament using other paper (can't afford BG right now).
4. Have Grace put it together because Cynthia can't figure it out.
5. Voila! Instant ornaments!
Here's how Martha Stewart does them (I'm thinking she has better directions):
|Holiday Card Ornaments|
Did you all survive the after-Thanksgiving sales? I make a conscious effort not to get sucked into buying anything in the biggest shopping day of the year. Who wants to get stuck with long lines and bitchy people? Well, my good sense left me Friday morning. I had just gotten off work at 8:00 in the morning and thought I would just stop by Joann's to get some potted poinsettias for $4.96 each. Can't beat that, right? After all, I refuse to spend any more money. No scrapbooking supplies, no new mags, no punches, no other Christmas ornament. Off I went and the store was FULL. Swarming with hopeful people taking advantage of their sale. I should have known I would not have a good day when there were no shopping carts in sight. Oh, Lord. What have I gotten myself into? I looked everywhere for the poinsettias, but they were nowhere to be found. I felt a sense of desperation. What was I going to do? People had gotten to them first and they would never be this price again! I scanned the whole store and finally found some on the top shelves. Because I am short and stout, I couldn't reach them. So in a panic, I try to find someone who works for Joann's to help me. Nowhere to be found. Oh, wait, there's a lost looking person wearing a green Joann's apron. I flagged him down after I almost ran over a small child. I gotta get a grip. Whew. I got my hands on 6 pots and was very proud of myself. Now how do I get this to the checkout counter. I batted my eyelashes at the young, patient man who helped me. Would you happen to know where I might find a cart? I'm sure he thought he was safe from me, but alas, no. This chick was going to get her poinsettias and she was going to get them now! What a joke. He brought me a cart and I thought I was home free. After an hour of standing in line, my eyes were crossing from the exhaustion of working all night. But there was a bright side. I knew more about the lady behind me than her own therapist. I now know the perils of shopping at Michael's after Thanksgiving (as if this store was any better), her grandchildren's Christmas list, and most importantly, the effects of irritable bowel syndrome. Like I tell myself every year, I will not do this to myself. Now if only I could keep that promise.
Everyday, I am grateful for so many things. Here are a few on my list:
1. I have a husband who cares for me and nurtures me.
2. I have my family's support always.
3. I have a job that allows me to only work 3 days a week.
4. I am surrounded by good friends.
5. My family always has karaoke at Thanksgiving dinner.
See these wreaths? My mom took over my Christmas stash and decorated them herself. They are symmetrical, even, and equal. I knew I got my neurotic behavior from somewhere. And now I've finally succeeded in making my home look like a bordello with touches of poinsettias. Just look at the evidence.
I kidnapped my mom today. It's been a long time since I had a day with just me and my mom. We went to lunch to (surprise!) a Filipino buffet, complete with squid and fish heads. Skipped those but had a good time anyway. Then I took her to my house and we decorated for Christmas. Yes, I know that it's days before Thanksgiving but I was grateful for her help. I like her to come over because she likes to help me with anything I might need. She's been known to get on her hands and knees to clean my floor or fold laundry. Without being asked. She can't help it. She's a mom. Bad thing is she's always trying to feed me. Especially white rice. And I've been good with the carb thing lately. Twenty pounds lighter and only eating brown carbs. I've asked her to please make me brown rice but she looks at me blankly. She can't wrap her head around this concept, but that's ok. She can come over and clean my toilet anyday.