i am a coconut.

spoon me.

Since Jeff and I have different work schedules ( I work 3 nights a week.  He works during the day.) I sleep alone in the bed 3 days of the week.  Usually, I don't mind this much.  I've made my peace with it. I get full control of the bed.  I can toss and turn and flip and sprawl out all I want and I don't disturb anyone.  Some days, I miss his warm body next to me.  This is one of those days.  The dogs just don't make up for his absence.  I love the warmth, intimacy, and closeness that spooning brings.  Because ultimately, spooning leads to forking.

why do i do this to myself?

I promised my friend I would do this page for her months ago.  She cannot scrapbook and has enlisted the scrap nazi to finish this for her friend's bridal shower.  It's totally uninspired.  I told myself I would only do those pages that move me and the earth did not shake with this one.  I was given red cardstock embossed with little hearts from Michael's and 5 blurry pictures.  I tried to save them by turning them black and white.  The bride chose black, red, and silver for her colors, thus the bleeding page.  The process was long and painful.  Don't let me do this again.

i am blind, part two.

Thought I would make a page based on an entry I made recently about the elliptical.

papparazzi.

Go, shorty! It's your birthday!  Hey, I finally figured out how to print in a circular text via Microsoft Word!

*ETA*  Here are the directions: 

1. Open up MS Word
2. Click on the Oval shape. Click and drag on your page to make the desired size.
3. Double click on the shape. A box should pop up to format the shape. Click on Color to make it No Fill. Click on Size to make sure the width and height are the same. Otherwise it wouldn't be a circle (this said from experience).
4. Click OK.
5. Click on the Text Box. Click and drag over the circle shape.
6. Click on the Text Box again. A box should pop up. Click on Color and choose No Fill and change the width and height the same size as the circle.
7. Click OK.
8. Click on the Text Box and drag it over the circle shape so that it is right over it.
9. Type your text as you wish and make it fit as desired.

thing. thing a thong.

I went to Tar-shay this weekend and got some running shorts (like I'm gonna be doing some running any time soon) and some sports bras.  Those bras hold the twins up real good but they flatten them all across my chest so it looks like one hump instead of two.  Nuthin's moving those suckers!  My hubby does not like them.  Shouldn't there be two in there?  Man, it's been a couple of days, but he's already forgotten?  I'll show him what's he's been missing.  So I wander into the lingerie section and lo and behold they have some unmentionables in my size.  Why, I ask you, do they make them so huge?  I guess I can answer that question:  because YOU'RE huge.  Do these thongs make my ass look fat?  No, it's your big ass that makes your ass look fat. 

The thongs (and I'm not talking flip flops) look like well used sling shots, not the teeny little floss numbers I see on Baywatch and on Girls Gone Wild.  And instead of the little strings resting on my hips, they rest right under my armpits.  So "Women's" sized thongs are designed for wide giants, not for midgets like me (please, no offense meant to the vertically challenged--I am the president of that club).  Well, why not try it on?  Don't worry.  My clothes are on underneath. OK.  Slide the left leg in there.  Wow, that's one huge leg hole.  Next slide the right leg in there.  Well, so far so good.  Now pull the rest up.  Oh, Lord.  The crotch area of the underwear is covering my belly button.  Pretty.  Then I look closer and I think oh dear heavenly Lord.  Not only do I have one hump on my chest, but I have the biggest pubic mound ever.  What kind of crunches or pilates do I have to do to get rid of that?!

One thing they didn't teach me in algebra: sports bra + thong = not very sexy. 

fathers be good to your daughters.

I'm trying really hard to step out of my linear box with recent pages, using white cardstock and using more of my own handwriting.  I'm officially a rub-on ho.

call and answer.

I love this song by the Bare Naked Ladies.  It's about sticking with someone through it all--the times when you hurt each other, when you support each other, when you pick each other up from the botton, when you are honest with each other, when you bring that person home.  It describes our marriage too well.  Each day is certainly not perfect but every day I see this clearly--we love each other raw and true.

Call and Answer

Words & music by Stephen Duffy & Steven Page

I think it’s getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
I think it’s getting to the point
Where we have almost made amends
I think it’s the getting to the point
That is the hardest part.

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I’ll point you home

You think I only think about you
When we’re both in the same room
You think I’m only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
You think we’re here to play
A game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I’ll point you home

You think it’s only fair to do what’s
Best for you and you alone
You think it’s only fair to do the same
To me when you’re not home
I think it’s time to make this something that is
More than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I’ll point you home.

But I’m warning you, don’t ever do
Those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I’ll be the first to crucify you
Now it’s time to prove that you’ve come back
Here to rebuild.

Posted on Friday, June 24, 2005

i wear an angel hat.

My stepdaughter drew this for me, complete with a poem she wrote herself.  It's me in my favorite outfit, my jeans skirt, my pink t-shirt, my flip flops, and my angel hat.  It's the very likeness of me, doncha think?

lessons learned.

This weekend I came to a realization that:

1. I am old.  I can't boogie the night away like I did when I was 21.  Vegas night life consists of me snoring in bed by 9:00 pm.  Not cold beer, dirty girls, and mud wrestling.  At least not every night.  When I want to take a break from that, I can see Reba McEntire.  See photo.

2.  I really AM allergic to alcohol.  No matter how many times I test this little theory out, the result is still the same.  Hives everywhere.  Lucky for me I didn't stop breathing.  Benadryl is always on hand though it says not to take it with alcohol.  At least there is evidence that I drank water.  I AM on a diet.  See photo below.

3.  Although being humped by my friend on the dance floor is exciting, she's still not as hawt as my husband.  You can't really tell by this photo since someone rudely blocked the view, but she did slap my flat ass.  Hey, my jeans finally fit!  Photo courtesy of my husband.

i'm blind.

Remind me not to try an elliptical machine with the wrong bra.  I didn't realize I had to hoist the twins up and around my pits before embarking on that ride.  Never again, folks.  Never again.